Nikan Rebuilt by Scarlett Cole

Author:Scarlett Cole
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: St. Martin's Press

“Fall back in love with your life.”

It seemed so simple, and yet impossible. Had he ever been in love with his?

The thought ripped something deep within his chest. He’d been in love with Jenny. Hell, he’d probably never stopped loving her. But himself? His life?

He felt alive when he stepped on stage, of course, and there was no greater feeling than performing with his brothers. But was that love?

Lost in thought, he placed the letter on top of the piano and then fiddled with some settings. He started with a simple melody based on Joy Division’s classic “Love Will Tear Us Apart.” Every lyric of that song was perfect for his mood. A lament about routine, ambition, and resentment. And about how timing could be so flawed. His worst fear was that every miserable failing would be exposed. Using his Mac, he synced a dance beat to it but began to deconstruct the melody. His own lyrics began to run through his head. Not Elliott’s words or his controlled guitar, or Dred’s fiery lyrics, or Jordan’s bass. But something uniquely his own.

As he played around with words, he thought about Wilfred’s comments. He thought about how hard his father’s life had been before his sudden death. Time didn’t always heal everything, but it sure as fuck brought perspective. As a child, he’d thought of his father as a strict disciplinarian and an unhappy man. Learning about intergenerational trauma, the legacy from his family’s time in residential schools, had helped Nik understand some of his father’s behaviors. And Nik found himself wondering what his father had loved. Had he loved Nik’s mother? He couldn’t remember.

And what had his mother loved?

Her son.

The thought stopped his fingers on the keys.

His mom had loved him.

In the purest sense of the word. Without strings. In a way that had caused her to lie down over him when he’d been knocked to the ground and take every stab wound that had been meant for him. Rage flowed through him as he thought about the way her eyes had gone wide, her mouth opened into an O. The sound of that god-awful blade passing through her skin like a skinning knife through salmon. Nik stood and kicked his piano, sending the Mac, the piano, and the letters flying across the room.

“Fuck!”

He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged it near the scalp.

For his entire life, he’d been trying to get to the mysterious “there.” That place where he would have enough, would be successful enough, happy enough, loved enough. And yet here he was, in a home that he owned, with every luxury at his disposal, and a pit in his stomach the size of Lake Ontario. And nothing he did, no amount of success or money or fame, was going to fill it.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to check who was. His heart rate began to slow as soon as he saw the name. She was the only one who had that kind of effect on him.

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